Fat women suck

After a 9 month hiatus, I am back with a new diatribe. Well, new in the sense that it's new to this website, not new in absolute terms. As some smart Roman dude once said: Nullum est iam dictum quod non dictum sit prius. Irrelevant, as the Digital Barbarian needs to vent.

Have you ever met a nice fat woman? No, you have not. Before you counter with something about "jolly fat people", those are all men. Santa Claus is fat and jolly and a nice guy. He doesn't give a fuck about being fat because he's Santa Claus and loves making people happy. John Candy was jolly and also hilarious. He was fat but who the hell cares? No one. There are a lot of fat comedians. Oliver Hardy and Curly Howard were both fat and also comic legends. No fat woman is a comic legend; in fact, there are no comic legends who are women anyway, but that's beside the point. Fat men can be jolly and fun to be around. Granted, some fat men are just assholes, but a lot of in shape men are assholes. The point remains that fat women are bitches.

It occurred to me that a lot of fat men make up for being physically revolting with comedy and good personalities. Not so with women. 100 years ago, you had to pay a quarter to see a 200 pound woman, and even then you had to wait until summer when the circus was in town. Now, I cannot go two inches without tripping over at least half a dozen 200+ pounders. And they all have wretched personalities. They take no accountability for being fat cows and instead blame men for popularizing an impossible to achieve female image. Yeah, men...even though women's magazines are filled with models wearing overpriced clothes that no woman can ft into. I'll agree with the sentiment that fashion models are a bad idealization of women because they have the figures of 12 year old boys. I am not into that shit. But what about fitness models? What about bikini models? They are awesome, no doubt about it. Ask any woman if she would enjoy looking like Heidi Klum; of course she would. Are men making women feel bad about being fat? No, women are. Skinny girls make fun of their fat friends, who then become lesbians and feminists because they can't get laid except by drunk dudes. This also makes them bitter and thus the horrid personality develops. You really can't blame fat women for being wretched people because anyone who hates themselves cannot love anyone else. That's a fundamental fact of reality. Thus, the self-loathing is projected on those who will not give the fat woman attention: attractive men.

It's strange how feminism and fatty-ism are linked to the hatred of men, but it's true. There are no hot feminists. If you see a hot feminist, she is pretending simply to feel empowered. Were Brad Pitt to suddenly appear and ask her to be his sex slave, her feminist ideas would disappear in a cloud of dust as she dropped to her knees and began sucking Brad's dick. Also, hot girls like having a few fat friends as it reminds them of their own attractiveness. Since all fat women are feminists, and vice-versa, hot girls sometimes humor the fatties with feminist rhetoric and convince them to go to clubs so they can show off by getting picked up by sober dudes with 6-pack abs. The fatties then attempt the cock-block; if unsuccessful, they spout a bunch of stupid shit until some drunk dude asks them to go home with him.

I mentioned that you can't blame the fatties for having horrible personalities, but that's obviously false. Of course you can blame them, they're the ones stuffing their faces with doughnuts. All fat women love to workout and diet. In fact, you cannot talk to a fatty for more than five seconds without her telling you about her diet. This will quickly be followed by some asinine remark about an impossible to achieve body image and a jackass doctor who told her she was fat. I've determined that fat women love exercise because it allows them to indulge to an even great excess without guilt. Guilt is a wonderful thing because it keeps people honest. Without guilt means without conscience, and thus freeing oneself from responsibility. Fatty math dictates that ten minutes on the treadmill at a speed too slow for snails equates to the consumption of an extra dozen doughnuts. Fatty logic also says that thinking about working out is indeed working out, so there's no need to even get on the treadmill whatsoever. Further, feeling bad about something is better than actually doing anything about it in the first place. Instead of feeling bad about eating the doughnuts, the fatty instead feels bad that they didn't use the treadmill and a crisis is averted. Feeling bad about not using the treadmill for twenty minutes is equivalent to at least an hour of actual treadmill use. Now, excuse time to justify the non-exercise to others: there was too much traffic or the car needs gas or Oprah is on. Whatever excuse not to go to the gym and use the treadmill is placed on someone else, thereby alleviating all responsibility. About half an hour after talking themselves out of exercise, the fatty will stand in line for doughnuts and consume them all while bitching to people at Krispy Kreme that they hate men. And thin women, who obviously just "don't understand".

I was just thinking of another hilarious fat man: Sam Kinison. A fat woman who is the antithesis of funny also springs to mind: Rosie O'Donnell. She's also the antithesis of reason and logic, proving that fat women aren't just feminist idiots, they're also illogical morons.